A Word About Ghosting
Or, where is today’s Emily Post?
I remember back when I started using email as a primary communication tool at work. It was 1994. I was at a start-up and initially anyone could post to the all company email distribution list (dl-everyone). Then one day an engineer went on a rage, accusing the entire company of stealing a personal mug off his desk. Evidently it held special meaning or otherwise how to explain the written rampage? That was the day that access to dl-everyone was limited to the executive staff. It was also the day I was asked, as Marcom Manager, to write etiquette guidelines for corporate email. You couldn’t just Google email etiquette back then and find a reference. There was no Google, Yahoo! had just been founded, and AltaVista was still over a year away from being launched. I had no guidelines for defining the appropriate use of a communications tool in its infancy so I wrote them from scratch, getting opinions from people throughout the company about what to include. I have no idea what happened to those guidelines and I don’t recall any company I’ve worked with since then having such a document. Perhaps people assume by now email etiquette is understood. It should be. You’d think. By frankly why would anyone assume that? Just take a look at social media to see how hateful people can be.
Also, the basics are shot. Good grammar, spelling, and punctuation have gone the way of handmade lace and wearing corsets.
“Never think, because you cannot write a letter easily, that it is better not to write at all. The most awkward note imaginable is better than none.” — Emily Post
I’m guilty. I’ve gotten caught up in the business of the workday or household obligations and neglected to send follow-up emails. Or responded to text messages. Or given a thumbs up to a social post. And I make it a rule to not respond to every unsolicited message I receive from people I don’t know because that would take up my entire day, as I’m sure you can relate. But when you’re engaged in a business relationship with someone, even if temporary, I believe in sending responses and I expect a response, though the message might be to let you know a job opportunity that went in a different direction has closed. And if you are paying someone to do work for you or represent you in a business activity of some kind, there should be a no more than 24-hour limit on responding. Ghosting in these situations is unacceptable and just plain bad manners.
On the other hand, sometimes the expectation to respond to personal communications can be overwhelming. Is it a requirement to respond or at the very last give a tapback on every single text message in a never-ending thread between family and friends? No, you can’t. It’s unreasonable to expect someone to be available to respond 24/7. Or to comment on every post when you’ve missed more than say 20 messages. Maybe your catch-up limit is 10 or less. It depends on the time. However there are certain messages etiquette would suggest do require a response, even if delayed. I have my opinion about what those are but in general, messages about health, emergency situations, and when something someone has diligently worked on is completed. You don’t have to “like” the outcome. I’m not suggesting giving false compliments if you’re not feeling it. But it takes little effort to acknowledge the achievement with the click or tapback of an emoji.
You can Google email etiquette today and find hundreds of articles and even videos on the topic. Some cover general mechanics while others get into behavior. I don’t know if any of them cover ghosting but I think this is something that simply requires good common etiquette sense. For instance, I’m notoriously bad at keeping up with physical correspondence to cards and letters. That takes more effort than hitting the return button or inserting your mouse into a text box. But today, I’m going to start making an effort to get better at not being a ghost myself before I fade into the darkness and can no longer be seen.
